Why is that a secret?

I am not a big fan of secrets. I am ok with secrets about surprise parties, jokes, presents etc. But, I am mystified by all the other things people ask me to keep secret—I respect it; but I don’t get it.

Most secrets do more harm than good. When we don’t want people to know we are hurting or sad or ill or that something bad happened or that we are confused or lonely or in some other pain, it just cuts us off from support. It leaves us alone with our pain and causes us worry our secret will get out. Nothing heals.

I am often asked to keep secret—by my family, my friends, the people I teach. In the last week all of these groups have asked me to keeps something secret. In every case it has limited the support that could be there for the person.  

How do we heal when we can’t be honest with the outside world about who we really are? How can we love ourselves if we feel there is something others shouldn’t know? How can we trust our friends and family if we won’t share our pain and let them comfort us?

I have been guilty of keeping things secret too. It didn’t ever make things better.  

Today I try to be open and honest. I talk about my difficult childhood family issues. I talk about what it was like to be a woman in business in the 80’s and 90’s. I talk about the challenges I faced during the pandemic. I talk about the challenges I am facing as we emerge from the pandemic. I talk about my worries for my family. I talk about my aging body. I talk about all the scars and baggage. It gives me perspective and it allows me to get and give support.  

I don’t talk about these things to randomly to anyone who will listen. I share my feelings, longings, fears, hurts and past mistakes in safe environments (e.g. with family, friends, therapists, clients) and at appropriate times. I share with those who care about me or when I think my journey will be helpful to someone else. 

So I urge you to let it all out (in safe spaces). If it shocks people and drives them away—so what? They were never going to be there for you anyway. Be open to the support from those with whom you share. Be prepared to hear their secrets too! Wonder at the pain you both have carried in secret. Watch how that strengthens your relationship and your love. Watch how that lightens the load and points the way to healing.