Birthdays make me wonder how I got here!

It's Spring

Mon, 30 Mar 2026 16:58:51 GMT

I love spring. It’s a time of hope and renewal.

The crocuses are starting to bloom; the tulips are poking their noses out of the ground and the snow is gone. I have packed away the wintery decorations around the house and replaced them with brighter more spring-like elements, including a couple of cheeky Easter Bunny statuettes on my kitchen counter.

But I am also asking myself what else I need to let melt away and leave behind. Mother Nature lets things die off so that new growth and bright colours can appear. I am letting my psyche have its own personal spring clean out and letting new joys bloom. As always, for me that means a lot of meditation and quiet reflection.

I encourage you to do what you need to enjoy new growth and brightness.

Try a balance mental diet

Sun, 01 Mar 2026 21:45:14 GMT

I'm on a low news diet

Our brains are amazing things. They take all the input we give them and try and make sense of it and file it away in our memories. That includes conversations, experiences, feelings, sights, sounds, physical sensations. Once it is in our memory, our brains use it to evaluate the next thing that happens. If it’s all negative or sensational, our brains will get stuck in that loop. If it is mainly positive our brains will move in that direction.

That’s why I limit my input of news to a short period each morning. It keeps me up to date on the world but doesn’t get me bogged down in doom and gloom and despair at the state of human behavior. I also limit what I look at on social media to posts by friends and family. I don’t watch violent or traumatic TV.

I try to feed my brain mostly healthy, positive stuff without denying that there is pain and suffering in the world. I am aware of it but I don’t gorge on it. I try for a balanced mental diet.

That makes me crazy

Fri, 30 Jan 2026 23:50:05 GMT

That was my catch-phrase

“That makes me crazy.” That was my catch phrase. Everything made me crazy. People not doing things in the ways I thought they should, simply not getting on with it, not making decisions, and my most frustrating thing—people not using common sense. I was always judging—mostly negatively. I was focused on seeing what people were doing wrong. Compassion and kindness were lacking.

Meditation has helped me leave that behind in large part. People still do things I think are sub-optimal and they are often slower at making decisions than I would be. I have come to see that common sense is not so common.

But I have changed. That no longer makes me crazy. I have developed much more respect for the fact that others do not see the world the way I do, that making decisions is more difficult for people that it is for me and that the gift of common sense is just that a gift. I know now that all that judgement was about me not them. I realize most of the time my opinions are neither required or desired.

I am still a work in progress, but I know that when frustration drops away so does judgement. Understanding, compassion and wisdom can and do arise. I would rather let those things fill me up. I’ll keep trying.

A new year

Fri, 02 Jan 2026 17:54:13 GMT

A new year--a new opportunity

I love the idea of a new start—a chance to be better, do better, spread more love and compassion and to put a little more wisdom into my actions and my words.

We often think of the start of a year as this type of opportunity and it is, but we forget we have the same opportunity each day, each hour, each action, each word. We usually don’t get to be a better person, partner, teammate, family member in big jumps, but rather in small actions and improvements. A kind word, a generous action, a thank you, a pause before speaking, taking the high road, forgiving, really listening, letting go of assumptions and preconceptions, seeing the best in someone (especially when that’s difficult)--all of these, over time, make us better.

It starts with the intention to work towards being your best self. So rather than setting big resolutions or goals for yourself this year—set the intention each morning to do a little better today. Make it specific and doable—it doesn’t have to be big or grand, just a step towards the person you want to be. Every journey starts with a step.

Give the best gift.

Fri, 19 Dec 2025 22:30:45 GMT

The best gift you can give others is to look after yourself.

Many times, in the last couple of weeks in classes and private lessons, I have urged others to take care of themselves, to do something nice for themselves, to let it go and to focus on joy—both spreading it and feeling it.

The holiday season is busy and frequently stressful. Many of us have more social and family obligations not to mention traditions that we try to preserve (even if they are no longer fun). We rush around and don’t take time for ourselves.

But you cannot pour from an empty cup. If we don’t take care of our mind and our bodies at this time of year, we won’t be pleasant to be around and we won’t enjoy the season.

Make sure you do one thing for yourself every day (even if it is just a quiet cup of tea), manage your energy (not your time) and really focus on joy. Let go of petty (and not so petty) resentments and forego recriminations. This is not the time to “set the record straight”, to give someone “a piece of your mind”, to dredge up old hurts, issues, or misdeeds.

It’s a time for love, forgiveness, going with the flow, forging new traditions and overall focusing on joy and compassion.

Enjoy the season.

Can you find the good?

Mon, 01 Dec 2025 16:34:41 GMT

I don't like winter, but I love the way it looks

I am not a fan of winter. I don’t like the cold, the heavy coats, the boots, the slippery roads etc., but I do love the holidays and how beautiful everything looks after a snowfall.

I have great views of my backyard with holiday lights and snow-covered trees and my front yard looks out on a park where there will soon be kids skating. In the meantime, I am enjoying watching the neighbourhood dogs play in the snow. I love all the holiday decorations and there are lots of them all around me.

When we focus on what we like –or what we could like if we just took a moment—then what we don’t like tends to take on less significance. Whether it’s winter or some other situation, can you find the good in it, can you find something to like or maybe just remember that it is passing—spring is not that far away.

Showing grace in difficult times

Tue, 04 Nov 2025 01:43:26 GMT

This year has many losses

This year it has seemed like lots of people, including me, have been dealing with loss of people they cared about—often sudden and unexpected loss. I have been amazed at the grace with which my friends have handled this.

When the shock and immediate reactions have passed, many of them have been able to tap into acceptance and manage the ongoing sense of loss. They showed a sense of grace.

Two things struck me about those who navigated these losses with grace—the first is their ability to deeply celebrate the life of the person they had lost. The second is their ability to accept and embrace not knowing what is coming next and the inevitability of death.

When I looked up the word grace, the definitions contain elements of dignity, honour, elegance and ease and suppleness of bearing.

None of us know what is around the corner, but I hope that whatever comes my way, I will be able to manage it with these elements of grace

Gratitude is essential for happiness

Mon, 04 Aug 2025 17:38:15 GMT

Gratitude changes you for the better

Gratitude as way of life changes you for the better. It lets you appreciate the mundane events that fuel our lives and it lets you sink into the great moments. It lets you finally stop sweating the small stuff—something I didn’t know how to do for a great deal of my life. It also helps you deal with the inevitable yucky stuff that happens to all of us from time to time.

I try to be grateful for everything. Grateful for the chaos in my house, the cooking, cleaning, washing this weekend because it means my family is here and I can hear laughter from the pool, see kids gaining confidence in themselves, see parents grabbing a moment or two of quiet (a rare gift) and getting my full share of hugs. I feel so lucky—even if its exhausting. I focus on the positives.

Gratitude for me, is the antitoxin for judgement as well. I don’t need to feel better by judging someone else’s actions as inferior because I am grateful for my choices and my life. I can see others are making the best choices they can—even when it’s not something I think is wise.

Just for today—try and be grateful for as many things as you can—the shower, clean clothes, breakfast, friends, family, life etc. See how it changes you.

Be present--right here; right now

Sat, 12 Jul 2025 22:05:27 GMT

Now is where life happens

I don’t want to miss a moment. They are precious to me. Looking back, I think I was sleep-walking through my life before I found meditation. I was there, going through the motions but not really fully aware and alert to what was going on. My head was full of recriminations for past words, actions and not measuring up. I was upset when my plans turned out differently than I wanted. As a result I was often in the past or the future but not really in now—it was just something to get through so I could get on to the next thing.

Now each moment is more precious. I think I experience them more fully. The good ones, the ones that are not my favourites and the myriad that are just normal every day moments. I try to really be there for all of them and it has made my life more vibrant, joyous and brought much more clarity to everything.

I try to be here most of the time—not lost in the past (it’s done and gone) and not worried about the future (it is not written yet and I don’t control what comes next –there are just too many variables that are beyond my control)—just here in the now.

It’s a pretty wonderful place to be. In fact it is the only place we can be.

You can't pour from an empty cup

Tue, 03 Jun 2025 00:27:11 GMT

Self care is the most important and unselfish thing you can do.

In order to meet our daily responsibilities and care for others we need to we care for ourselves. If we don’t, we deplete our physical and mental resources and we end up trying to pour from an empty cup.

Consider that self-care is more than taking care of your physical health (sleep, diet, exercise etc.) and your mental and emotional health (meditation, emotional regulation, getting support and help etc.). It is also taking care of your intellectual health (continuing to learn, trying new activities, playing mentally challenging games etc.), social health (connecting with people you like and enjoy on a regular basis), your professional health (finding fulfillment, meaning and pleasure in your work or volunteering) and your spiritual health (finding something bigger than yourself to believe in—science, the next generation, love or a faith based system). If you take care of all of these they your cup will be full.

Try making a list of 50 self-care things you can do for yourself. Include things your future self will thank you for. If it's hard--then you likely need to practice more self-care

Spring busyness

Mon, 05 May 2025 20:04:24 GMT

It's a busy time of year and we need to focus on self-care

I love spring and my garden is really lovely this time of year. Yet it is a busy time—readying everything for summer—in my case that includes opening the pool, getting the yard in shape, fixing some winter damage, digging out my spring/summer clothes and getting the tires changed. That’s on top of teaching, family events, time with friends and life in general. Not to mention trying to be a better person every day. We tend to busy this time of year -then again when are we not?

I try to focus on one thing at a time--to know that it’s a sometimes marathon and sometimes a sprint (and sometimes a sprint within a marathon). But above all I really try to focus on taking care of myself. I know I cannot pour from an empty cup—so I take the time to ask what do I need right now? Maybe it’s a cup of tea, maybe it’s to take a break, maybe it’s to go to the gym, maybe it’s to just finish this one thing, maybe it’s to let myself leave it until tomorrow or next week or maybe it’s simply to say no. That’s what works for me. Maybe it will work for you too.

So the next time you are feeling overworked or overcommitted ask yourself what do I need most right now and give yourself the gift of self-care.

Under renovation

Mon, 31 Mar 2025 15:41:37 GMT

Living in impermanence with gratitude

My house is giving me a lesson in impermanence and gratitude.

I arrived back from Costa Rica to a house still in the midst of a renovation. I am so grateful to be able to make these changes—I recognize the privilege.

I spent the first couple of weeks roaming among various family members which was a great way to spend time with people I missed while away, but it meant living out of a suitcase and moving every days—a lot of impermanence and gratitude.

Once it was safe to be home again (a handrail on the stairs for example) I moved back in. It’s noisy and dusty and there is a parade of people in and out my door—sometimes I know they are coming and sometimes not’s (no hanging around in my PJ’s for me). Lots of impermanence!

But the house is different every day. There is progress and I get to see it. I get to adapt differently every day depending on what is going on. I can make do, I can be patient, I can appreciate how hard everyone is working and how skilled and knowledgeable they are--I have learned a lot about brickwork, painting, cabinetry and construction. I am so grateful.

For me gratitude makes everything easier. When you start with a foundation of gratitude, impermanence is just something to deal with—and I can do that.

Life is teamwork

Tue, 25 Feb 2025 23:16:48 GMT

Whenever we do anything with someone else, it's about teamwork

We often think about teamwork in connection with work or sports, but anytime we are doing something with others its teamwork. Making a meal, planning a vacation, picking out a new sofa, deciding where to go for dinner—that’s teamwork too.

For me it has been important to let go of old ideas of how things should be to move forward. To be open to new ways of thinking and focusing on the end goal—the “what” not the “how”. At our annual holiday gatherings now we order in food rather than making a traditional meal. I thought that I “should” cook a big meal. Then my niece had a chat with me and I discovered that most of them felt that cooking the big meal took us away from time with each other because we spent it in the kitchen cooking, cleaning up and being exhausted. We changed our approach. That meant I had to listen (not always my best skill) and give up some preconceived notions of what was the “right” way to do things (also not easy).

Being open to new ways, new ideas and new concepts is critical to our ability to get along with others and also to getting things done. If we remember we are teammates and that we need to consider how the rest of the team feels, we can let go and move forward. We can focus on the goal and be flexible about the how.

Pura Vida Culture

Wed, 29 Jan 2025 23:36:30 GMT

We can learn a lot from the culture in Costa Rica

Here in Costa Rica they have a deep love of nature and a genuine pride in their country.

My friend and I were recently on a tour with our favourite guide. We went to a nature centre where we saw sloths (including a rare sighting of one on the ground—they only come down to the ground once a week), toucans, a boa constrictor, a viper and the famous red eyed frog and more. Our guides really wanted us to see all that we could—they went above and beyond because they wanted us to love what they loved. They clearly loved the animals, even the snakes, and the plants and were so proud of their country. That pride was evident in the place we stopped for our meals--they were so happy to be able to accommodate my dietary restrictions and make me a fabulous meal with as much choice and variety as everyone else (something that is not always the case for me). The person teaching us about coffee and chocolate from Costa Rica reminded us that as a small country they need to focus on quality not quantity.

What shines through in this country is that they love what they do and they take pride in it—whatever it is. While this job may be a stepping stone to the next, they enjoy this job. Then they enjoy the next.

As always, when I am here I think there is a lot to learn from the Pura Vida culture of this country.

Don't know mind

Fri, 03 Jan 2025 17:55:18 GMT

I used need to know

I used to need to know. To make firm plans. To be on solid ground. I used to try and plan everything. I had spreadsheets for everything. Then I would be upset and often angry when things didn’t go the way I wanted. But learning to say “I don’t know” has allowed me to relax and enjoy the ride. Life is full of uncertainties. I can make myself crazy with that or I can enjoy the ride.

Before and during the holidays, “don’t know mind” kept me calmer this year than in the past--even though this year was more uncertain than previous ones. I knew that as long as I had presents bought and the pantry full, everything would work out. And it did. It was a fun holiday season with my friends and family and that is what really matters.

Allowing myself not to know is a gift. This idea lets me rest with not knowing what is going to happen, but to know that I will be able handle to whatever comes my way. It relieves me of the need to worry, fret and get into a lot of “what if’s”. It doesn’t mean I don’t plan ahead, but it means I make flexible plans whenever I can—knowing that nothing is certain. It also lets me enjoy the surprises that come with not knowing.

Although, I have to admit, I still love my spreadsheets!

Relax and enjoy the holiday season

Mon, 25 Nov 2024 16:23:42 GMT

The only one asking you to be perfect is yourself!

During this busy holiday seasons we put so much pressure on ourselves. Trying to get it all done. Trying to be perfect, have the perfect family gathering(s), get all the presents right, etc.

This year I decided to relax about all that and just do what I can. To heed my own advice and focus on inputs not outcomes. So far, it’s working for me.

Yes, you can tell a short person put up my Christmas lights outside, but they are up and I think they look festive. I actually enjoyed putting them up, without the pressure to get them way up in the trees.

I went into this weekend’s cookie baking extravaganza telling myself, we might not get everything done, but I was going to be ok with whatever we managed to accomplish. Guess what –I was more relaxed and so was everyone else and we got most of it done! My nieces and nephew were just little when we started. This year, we got my grandnephews and niece involved as well—yes it takes more time, its messier, the cookies aren’t as perfect but it’s so much fun and it’s a great bonding experience. It’s wonderful to have three generations doing this now.

The only one asking me to be perfect is me. No one else expects that of me. I am planning on keeping my cool for the rest of the season by remembering that and being kind to myself, managing my energy (versus my time), doing what I can and knowing no matter what it will be enough for those I love and care about.

Sparkle

Sun, 03 Nov 2024 22:16:14 GMT

Celebrate your uniqueness

One of my family suggested that I live a minimalist life—in jest of course! I believe in living the biggest sparkling life you can. I believe in showing the world your biggest, brightest self. It’s about using all the talents and experiences you have been given to their fullest. Don’t be afraid to be noticed, to shine, to excel, to enjoy every moment. It is about not accepting anyone else’s expectations of “you” and writing your own story.

We are all the product of a great deal of work by the universe to make the unique being we are—parents, ancestors, the times we were born into, where we were born, the economic circumstance of our youth, our talents, intellect, abilities, our physicality, our lived experiences etc.—the list of what makes us unique is very long. There will never be another exactly like any of us. We are one of a kind. How can we waste that by hiding any of what we are? How can we waste that by not using our talents in a way that makes us the happiest?

Imagine this world if we were all unapologetically our biggest, brightest selves and those selves were celebrated unconditionally! We need to move towards that. It starts with each of being unafraid to sparkle, to shine and to celebrate our uniqueness. It begins with each of us reaching for what will make us happy.

It begins with recognizing we are all on a journey to be our best selves and what that means will be different for each of us. That is when we will be able to celebrate and enjoy everyone else’s uniqueness unconditionally. That is when judgement and criticism disappear.

We can all heal a little more

Sun, 06 Oct 2024 21:13:12 GMT

We owe it to ourselves and those we love

I recently attended my first in-person retreat since COVID. I find that long retreats are a real opportunity for personal growth and healing as well an opportunity to deepen of my meditation practice.

You would think that after all these years of practice and at this age, there was nothing more to learn about myself or about the practice. But that is the magic of meditation and mindfulness—there is always an opportunity to go deeper and to heal a little more. To peel back another layer of emotional baggage and to let it go. To leave a little better person than when you came.

Not all of us have the luxury of taking time off and going on a retreat, but all of us have the ability to ask for the help we need to heal. Maybe we just need to sit quietly with ourselves and meditate. Maybe we need more. We owe it to ourselves and to those we love to be the best version of ourselves—and that means doing the hard work of healing past hurts, traumas, shames and other pain we carry. That means getting the help we need to do that—therapy, support groups, medication and/or meditation—whatever is necessary to heal.

We can all be a better person when we go to sleep than when we woke up.

Make the most of Summer --or any season

Fri, 02 Aug 2024 17:46:59 GMT

Summer in Canada is special--its short and sweet--so enjoy it!

Making the most of summer is an individual pursuit, but here are some tips that work for anyone:

Get some Balance --manage your energy and make sure you have energy for what is important to you. Fun and family should not get the dregs of your energy. Focus on what is important.

Prioritize time with friends and family -- these are the people who sustain you, support you and bring you joy. Too often we prioritize work, getting things done, what we think we need to be or what we think we need to do over friends and family. That does not mean we don't do our best at work, it means we understand work's place in our lives. it means we are judicious with whem we cancel with family and friends--use the 5 year rule.-ask yourself what will be more important 5 years from now.

Get Outside --the benefits of being in nature are irrefutable in terms of overall physical and mental health. Make it a goal to do one thing with nature everyday--touch a plant, see the sun or moon, feel the grass under your feet, water a plant--sit on a park bench.

Get away from the everyday! Do something different--break up the routine--even in small ways--eat something new, visit somewhere you haven't been in a long time or ever, wear a new colour, try a new experience.

Practice Self-care and Compassion --Give yourself a break, Be kind to yourself and others. Get all your regular check-ups, eat well most of the time, exercise, pamper yourself. See if you can be a little kinder to yourself today than yesterday. See if you can be a little kinder to others today than yesterday.

Finally Do nice things for others simply because you can.

You can't avoid your demons

Wed, 12 Jun 2024 14:48:13 GMT

Either you deal with them or fight an unwinnable battle to avoid them

I lost a cousin yesterday to his demons. He tried to drown them in alcohol to no avail and in doing so created another demon he couldn’t shake.

He was smart-brilliant really and funny-he loved playing jokes on people (I once woke up to a black lamb in my bedroom because he thought it would be funny). He had a wife who loved him in spite of the turmoil and pain he created. He had two wonderful sons, a granddaughter and a grandson on the way. His drinking hurt them all. Our demons do that-they hurt the people around us too. Yet, because they loved him, they all continued to hope he would get the help he needed—and he was getting counselling and had finally agreed to attending a residential rehab program. But his body was too damaged by the years of drinking and his soul in too much pain. In the end his heart simply gave out.

Dealing with your demons is hard work. It takes guts and time and help. But we owe it to ourselves and those we care about to do the work, shed the tears and make peace with our demons.

It means accepting and acknowledging all our pain and fears and working to let it all go. It’s the only way to joy and peace—for yourself and those who care about you.

Aging is Impermanence in real time

Tue, 28 May 2024 21:36:16 GMT

I am getting older and everything is changing--and that's a good thing

Aging is an inescapable example of impermanence.

Aging has reminded me often about how fast things change and how many things we can’t control. Like my friends, my body is changing and requiring more upkeep than before. Whether that is surgery (I have 3 artificial joints now), medications (luckily I need very few—but that is likely to change with time), more asking for help (recognizing I can’t do all the things I did before), more paying attention to just how much energy I have on a given day.

It’s also the gratitude for being here and getting to see my nieces’ and nephew’s children play in my pool and realizing it wasn’t yesterday that they were children themselves—its decades ago! Its gratitude for another day to try and be a better person. Its gratitude for my health, my family, my friends, my work and my faith in something bigger than myself.

Impermanence forces us to deal with change, it requires us to accept and it asks us to be courageous. It reminds us that life moves quickly and that we have savour every moment. It gives us the opportunity to change and do better each day.

Awe-- What takes your breath away?

Sun, 28 Apr 2024 18:33:57 GMT

Relish the everyday wonders!

We all have moments of wonder in our lives. Things and times that just astonish and amaze us. Whether it is the sound of a child’s laughter, a magnolia tree in full blossom, an eagle in flight or (maybe I should say “and”) an act of kindness. But often we don’t take the time to spot and savour these everyday moments. We save our appreciation for the obvious – like the site of an ancient monument on our travels. We miss the opportunity to savour what is all around us all the time.

The more we appreciate all the everyday wonders in our lives, the more we connect with the world around us and with each other. We begin to see the opportunity to open to wonder on a daily basis and to just be amazed at the small miracles around us all the time. It transforms our view of the world and our lives which are often busy, rushed and at times frustrating.

For me sinking into these moments and relishing them, puts things in perspective. I can have a terrible drive that takes twice as long as it should, with impatient drivers doing crazy things and still smile as I pass that magnolia tree on my street. Suddenly, I am grateful and happy. The drive is a distant memory and my world is full of beauty. I walk in my front door in a good mood still thinking about that tree.

Celebrate the small milestones

Sun, 24 Sep 2023 19:11:30 GMT

My milestones have become smaller, but not less important

As I recover from my knee replacements, my milestones have become smaller. Being able to lift my weaker left leg off the bed by itself, walking up the stairs, walking with a cane, standing to brush my teeth and now walking without a cane! These have been wonderful milestones for me.

I have been focused on minute but significant improvements for the last 23 days. Each day has been better than the one before. I am excited about each new thing.

It has made me aware that minute and significant things happen all the time. That I need to remember to continue to focus on these day to day miracles during and after this healing period.

The more we can ground ourselves in the small wonders that are all around us, the more we can develop a deep level of contentment. Whether it’s a great cup of coffee, a good hair day, playing a boardgame, solving Wordle in 3, the changes in the garden as fall approaches or the laughter of those we love—try to notice the wonder of it and be grateful for all of it. These mini-milestones help me navigate the inevitable difficult moments in my life with grace and remember even in the midst of it there is something to be grateful for. It also makes me feel less out of control when life does not go the way I want it to.

Celebrate the small wins and soon they build to a bigger sense of control and contentment in your life.

We all need help now and then

Sat, 16 Sep 2023 19:27:56 GMT

Life always has bumps in the road!

“Stand on your own two feet.” “Take care of yourself.” I was taught these things from an early age. As a result, asking for help has never been my strong suit. That fierce independence has been both a blessing and a curse.

However my recent bilateral knee replacement forced me to be totally dependent on others. My family has been wonderful. They have stayed with me, helped me wash, move, dress myself, made my meals, played games with me, encouraged me and comforted me. Friends have offered incredible amounts of support as well. That support has been a big factor in my recovery—which is going very well.

It has been a vivid reminder that we all need each other. No one can do it all by themselves. We need to be connected to others and to accept the support and encouragement they give us. We all need help and support sometimes. Its ok to ask for it and to accept it with gratitude.

So reach out to your friends, family, colleagues etc. Thank them for their support in the past. If you need support now-ask for it. If you don’t need support now, remember you will need support in the future. We all will—life always has bumps in the road!

I am not nervous

Wed, 16 Aug 2023 22:09:39 GMT

I am expecting the best!

Lately everyone is asking me if I am nervous about my upcoming double knee replacement surgery. I am not. I have done everything I can do to ensure success—the right doctor, the right hospital, the right procedure. I am doing all my exercises and reading everything they send me. I am putting my faith and trust in them and their expertise

It’s out of my hands. Yes, I am aware that many things could go wrong, but I would rather focus on what can go right. I will be able to walk and stand without pain. I will be able to walk around the block or New York or Paris and I will be able to keep up to my beautiful new grand-nephew when he learns to walk. I will be able to stand to peel potatoes or blow dry my hair. I am so excited about all these things.

Yes, I am aware that recovery is painful. But because I manage my pain effectively (meditation is a big part of this for me) most people are not aware of the pain I live with every day and have for years. Three months of recovery pain seems like a good deal to me.

It’s down to faith and trust. I do my part and trust that others will do theirs. Most of the time this works out for me.

I have a larger faith that whatever is supposed to happen--will. The universe been good to me so far and I expect it will continue to be. That faith and trust lets me live very little anxiety or worry.

I have faith that an excellent outcome is likely.

Our friends help us live longer!

Fri, 09 Jun 2023 15:34:49 GMT

If you've let your connections lapse, summer is a great time to reconnect!

Connection—it’s one of the keys to happiness, health and longevity. Yet every survey seems to say we have fewer friends than people did in the past. The latest one I read said that 47% of men do not talk openly to their friends about their problems (63% of women do) and 27% say they don’t have close friends or any friends at all. And it seems to get worse as men age—22% of men over 55 say they never see their friends for catch-up. Other studies talk about loneliness becoming epidemic for both men and women regardless of age.

Yet friends are crucial to our well-being. A Harvard study—that has monitored people for 75 years (mostly men until recent years when they added women)—has shown that the biggest indicator of long-term health and well-being is the strength of your relationships with family, friends and spouses. Having someone to rely on helps your nervous system relax, your brain stay healthy for longer and reduces physical and emotional pain.

So if you have let your connections lapse—summer is a great time to reconnect. Go for a drink, have a meal, make a call, visit, join a club, volunteer, play a sport and most importantly talk!

You will live longer, be healthier and happier

The best smiles in the world!

Wed, 01 Feb 2023 16:42:11 GMT

You are always greated by a smile here

When I stepped off the plane in Costa Rica a few days ago I was reminded of the smiles here. Costa Ricans (or Ticos as they call themselves) have the best smiles. They are big and bold and welcoming. Everyone smiles at you here—the person working on the gardens, the person you pass on the sidewalk, the customs agent, the fishmonger, everyone. And the smiles are genuine. They also always have time for a chat. They are endlessly polite—even when they are saying no.

People seem truly happy here. They don’t think of things the way we do. They don’t rush and have a casual attitude to time. They want to please and be helpful. They don’t focus on failure just on what they are going to next. In fact failure seems to be a foreign concept—they tried something and it didn’t work and now they are doing something else. They accept and are tolerant of bureaucracy—most processes are complicated here, but they just accept it (because processes are almost impossible to change here) and get on with it

They love their kids, the beach, animals, friends, food, family and fiesta.

They are grateful, connected and have meaning in their lives—the 3 underpinnings of happiness.

It takes me a while to slide into the Tico mindset, but when I do I find it’s such a relief. I smile more here, greet everyone, slow down, let go of expectations and generally relax. I am getting there 10 days into my special time here.

Don't Mind the Gap

janet@makingheadway.ca (Janet Martin) — Tue, 01 Nov 2022 21:19:07 GMT

Progress is what counts

We all have things we want to be better at--our job, our relationships, our self care, getting over things, hobbies, life.

Too often we spend time looking at how far below the line we fall--on average we spend 12% of our waking hours comparing ourselves to others, often negatively(that’s about an hour a day!). This looking at how far you have to go is often daunting, makes us feel frustrated and it's self-defeating. It is like the kid in the car constantly asking "Are we there yet?".

It doesn't take into account how far we have come. The real measure is just that--progress. Recognizing progress makes us appreciate that we can and are getting better--growing . It gives us faith that we can get to the finish line.

In life--both personally and professionally --it's progress that is important. Moving forward towards a goal, getting better, seeing that the a lot of the race is behind us--gives us that second wind to get to the finish line (if there is one). Also recognizing for many things there is no finish line--being a good person, your to do list, your skill set, your relationship etc. --in all cases its progress that counts.

Keep making progress.

You are your ancestors' wildest dreams

janet@makingheadway.ca (Janet Martin) — Mon, 03 Oct 2022 17:19:37 GMT

This is really true for me

“You are your ancestors’ wildest dreams.”

I heard this phrase for the first time recently and it stopped me in my tracks. I couldn't get it out of my head. I just loved the truth of it.

It is really true for me and my siblings. My parents, my grandparents, their parents could not have imagined this life—it would be beyond their wildest dreams. It is all they wanted for us and more. In many ways my life is beyond my wildest dreams. As a young girl, I had many dreams—bigger and brighter than most of my friends and in all probability well beyond the reach.

But yet here I am. Living a life of privilege and ease. I have had professional success which allows me to live comfortably. I have a large loving family and wonderful friends. I am healthy and happy. I am my wildest dream.

Many of us are. Yet we fail to recognize or celebrate it. We focus on petty annoyances and day-to-day struggles, without seeing how minor they are in the grand scheme of things.

I urge you to see yourself as someone’s wildest dream, to celebrate being your own wildest dream and to do whatever you can to ensure everyone gets to be their own wildest dream.

Back to Normal?? No Thanks!

janet@makingheadway.ca (Janet Martin) — Thu, 08 Sep 2022 21:57:50 GMT

We can only go forward.

Once again the phrase “getting back to normal” is being bandied about. It makes me a little crazy. I am not sure why anyone thinks they can go back. Everything changes moment by moment. There is never any going back there is only forward. And forward is always new.

Anyone who has gone back to their hometown or reunited with an old friend, knows it’s not the same as before—it can be wonderful but it is not the same.

My life has changed in many ways over the last couple of years—I’ve learned I love teaching online, but miss the personal contact of being on-site. I have learned that I still love driving but don’t miss the pressure of commuting to Toronto several times a week. I have a new ankle which is starting to re-open many doors for me. My family is aging. I’m 70 now and there is no going back to a younger body, but the joy of seeing my nieces and nephews and their children grow, succeed and mature is my biggest pleasure—2 of the little ones started school this week!

I don’t want to go back! I want to focus on what is ahead. I want each day to be new and I want to enjoy every moment. I want to take everything I have learned and everything I love into this moment and every new moment.

Be Happy

janet@makingheadway.ca (Janet Martin) — Thu, 02 Jun 2022 20:51:28 GMT

Happiness is possible for all of us.

I was recently asked why I thought a friend was so unhappy all the time--despite good things happening in her life--why couldn't she celebrate the wins?

She has had career success, relationship success, she is bright, accomplished and funny; but she is also constantly negative, gloomy and complaining. She is rarely happy.

As I thought about it, I realized she misses the 3 things I talk about that underlie happiness.

She can't rest in gratitude--there is always a dark side for her or another shoe that might drop.

She can't trust the connection to others --they are marked by competitiveness, wariness and fear that people do not really like her.

She can't seem to find meaning in her life--despite searching desperately for it and not seeing all the places she could find it.

It makes me sad.

The discussion reinforced for me that happiness is a choice--or maybe a set of choices and a skill. It is not about circumstances—we all know people who have challenges and yet are happy. It is not about genetics—research tells us this part of our DNA can be changed and in any case is not the key component of happiness.

It is all about our personal actions and intentions, so

Be grateful—for everything big and small, momentous and ordinary, fleeting and lasting, sad and happy!
Connect to others every chance you get! Smile, say hello, have a conversation, hug someone!
See the meaning in your life—in a breath, a relationship, work, family, friends, in something bigger than yourself!

The opportunity to be happy is there in every moment.

Quiet time

janet@makingheadway.ca (Janet Martin) — Sun, 13 Mar 2022 17:06:43 GMT

Why don't adults get a quiet time?

My grandniece has quiet time every day. She spends time alone with herself and her imagination. She colours, plays with her toys, tells herself stories, sometimes she naps but it’s just a time to rest from the demands of the world. Sounds great doesn’t it?

I wondered why we give up this essential as adults. You may tell me you haven't had time for quiet time or had too much quiet time in the last 2 years. If it's the former ask yourself it that is really true or if you and those you love would have benefitted from you taking a few minutes "off" each day. If it's the latter check in with yourself and see if there has been a constant drive to keep busy, to do something, to accomplish something or simply fill the time.

Quiet time is unstructured. There is no need to anything other than what your heart desires in the moment. No need to accomplish anything or do anything. No need to interact with anyone or meet anyone else's needs or wants. It’s a time out from the world and all its demands. A time to simply be and to replenish.

As we head back it to a more normal lifestyle, I encourage you to consider giving yourself the gift of quiet time—even for a few minutes—each day. I think you will find it restorative and energizing—I certainly know my lovely grandniece has lots of energy and is full of creativity after her quiet time!

New Year's Resolutions

janet@makingheadway.ca (Janet Martin) — Fri, 31 Dec 2021 18:31:16 GMT

This year focus on what you can give, not what you want to get

Most New Year’s resolutions are focused on ourselves. What we want to accomplish, what we need, what we want to do, what we need to fix. I suggest that this year you focus on what you can give.

Here are 4 things you can give every day to everyone you meet:

Unconditional love (the gift of compassion, forgiveness, mercy, grace, love)
Joy (the gift of fun and laughter)
Power (the gift of faith and trust in others)
Respect (fulfill the deep desire we all have to be recognized and accepted)

Incidentally giving these things to others has deep benefits to the giver. It helps you focus on the positive and remain flexible. It makes us less judgmental and dismissive. It gets us out of the rut of negativity.

I am not suggesting that these gifts are easy to give all the time. We will slip but we can come back to these intentions again and again.

These suggestions are from a short article by John J. Murphy . The whole article is worth reading.

Accepting Omicron

janet@makingheadway.ca (Janet Martin) — Sun, 19 Dec 2021 17:47:31 GMT

It's a time to focus on acceptance

Just as things were feeling a little more like normal—up jumped Omicron!

Now our holiday and travel plans are up in the air and we are scrambling to get our booster shots.

We are all tired of this. We feel frustrated, disappointed, sad, afraid, and just generally fed up with this virus.

I am feeling this too. But I am also recognizing the lesson here—we don’t control anything but our actions and our intentions. It is a time for great equanimity and acceptance—something that is tough for an extroverted “A type“ personality like me.

It’s a time for great self-care. It is a time for great compassion—for myself and others. It is time for great celebration that I am healthy, my family is healthy and my friends are healthy. It is a time to be generous—with my time, my expertise, my compassion, my love. It is time to drop into “don’t know mind” with acceptance.

It is a time to focus on what is going right—the lovely lady that drove my new freezer home when it wouldn’t fit in my car—thank you Karen, the luck of finding my lost car key before the new expensive one was ordered, the arrival of a part to fix my bathroom faucet after 3 months and the plumber who is fitting me in before Christmas, the fact that all the Christmas presents, save one, have arrived and are wrapped. When I think about it there is a lot more going right than wrong. I am going to remember that and enjoy it.

It’s all about where I put my focus and energy. I choose to focus on the positive and I choose to accept what is.

Why is that a secret?

janet@makingheadway.ca (Janet Martin) — Wed, 18 Aug 2021 15:37:22 GMT

Most secrets do more harm than good.

I am not a big fan of secrets. I am ok with secrets about surprise parties, jokes, presents etc. But, I am mystified by all the other things people ask me to keep secret—I respect it; but I don’t get it.

Most secrets do more harm than good. When we don’t want people to know we are hurting or sad or ill or that something bad happened or that we are confused or lonely or in some other pain, it just cuts us off from support. It leaves us alone with our pain and causes us worry our secret will get out. Nothing heals.

I am often asked to keep secret—by my family, my friends, the people I teach. In the last week all of these groups have asked me to keeps something secret. In every case it has limited the support that could be there for the person.

How do we heal when we can’t be honest with the outside world about who we really are? How can we love ourselves if we feel there is something others shouldn’t know? How can we trust our friends and family if we won’t share our pain and let them comfort us?

I have been guilty of keeping things secret too. It didn’t ever make things better.

Today I try to be open and honest. I talk about my difficult childhood family issues. I talk about what it was like to be a woman in business in the 80’s and 90’s. I talk about the challenges I faced during the pandemic. I talk about the challenges I am facing as we emerge from the pandemic. I talk about my worries for my family. I talk about my aging body. I talk about all the scars and baggage. It gives me perspective and it allows me to get and give support.

I don’t talk about these things to randomly to anyone who will listen. I share my feelings, longings, fears, hurts and past mistakes in safe environments (e.g. with family, friends, therapists, clients) and at appropriate times. I share with those who care about me or when I think my journey will be helpful to someone else.

So I urge you to let it all out (in safe spaces). If it shocks people and drives them away—so what? They were never going to be there for you anyway. Be open to the support from those with whom you share. Be prepared to hear their secrets too! Wonder at the pain you both have carried in secret. Watch how that strengthens your relationship and your love. Watch how that lightens the load and points the way to healing.

Be urgently in now!

janet@makingheadway.ca (Janet Martin) — Thu, 22 Jul 2021 15:47:37 GMT

Have a childlike fierce attachment to now!

I am just back from vacation in a small cottage. At one point we had 4 kids with us. The oldest was 3 ½. It was more than a bit chaotic—but totally wonderful!!

Children are always in the moment—totally, fiercely and urgently in the moment. They feel their joy, discomfort, sadness, frustration, hunger, imagination, impatience acutely. They are the definition of being in now. And it is wonderful to watch.

Somewhere along the line we lose this fierce attachment to now—we learn to ignore what is going on because we are locked into the past or focused on the next thing. We lose that sense of what we need right now to feel better; we lose that sense of joy over a butterfly or a chipmunk or a wave or a cloud or a bubble. We lose moment after moment (sometimes hours, days or months) in our lives because we aren’t here—in this moment. And we only get this moment once.

We need to reclaim this fierce and urgent attachment to the moment. To be aware of what is going on right now. To be aware of what our mind and body are telling us we need right now. To be conscious of being in the past and not now—unless we choose to sit and remember or process. To let the weight of future possibilities buoy us up and not weigh us down—remember only 3% of what we worry about actually turns our as bad as we thought it would. To be aware we are working when we work, to be aware we are planning when we plan, to be aware we are playing when we play. To see the butterfly, the bird, the colleague, the client, the spreadsheet, the meal—all the wonders that are our lives—moment by glorious moment.

Here is to a childlike attachment to now!

Happiness is our birthright

janet@makingheadway.ca (Janet Martin) — Mon, 07 Jun 2021 21:30:42 GMT

We all deserve to be happy--right now!

Happiness is our birthright. We all deserve to be happy every day. You deserve to be happy right now. Make it your anchor:; your touchstone.

But many of us don’t trust happiness—we might have been taught that being too happy was an invitation for something bad to happen, or that it was self-indulgent or that we were put here to suffer! I think that is just nonsense.

Every life has pain, loss and sadness. Every life has suffering. I have had my fair share of suffering (sometimes of my own making) and I have seen others suffer. I have seen people struggle to be happy and others just give up. But I have seen people triumph over all sorts of calamity and find happiness.

While there are things to worry about and while there is undoubtedly going to be more pain in my life—I choose to embrace happiness. Even when I am sad and dealing with a loss, the deep undercurrent of contentment with my life and who I am trying to be, assures me that happiness is available. It is my anchor. My birthright.

So I urge you to do whatever you need to find your own happiness. Get therapy, get a new job, move, make new friends, meditate, ask for help, help others, volunteer, feed your spirit, exercise, eat well, play, laugh—whatever you need to do! And start today.

Happy Valentine's Day! Happy Family Day!

janet@makingheadway.ca (Janet Martin) — Sun, 14 Feb 2021 15:11:40 GMT

Tell someone what you love about them--Today!

May your day be filled with thoughts of those you love.

If you haven’t done it in a while take a few moments to think about those you love—family, friends, colleagues, pets, etc. Think about what you most admire in each of them. The things that take your breath away. The things that amaze you. The things that inspire you to be a better person—their generosity, loyalty, honesty, steadiness, joyful nature, sense of humour, capacity for forgiveness, the way they make you feel safe and appreciated, how they smile and brighten a room, how they make everything seem easier and more worthwhile…

How long has it been since your told them what you love about them? Imagine how good it would feel for both of you if you simply told them how you feel about them. They might even be inspired to tell you what they love about you. You can text, phone, write a note or if you are lucky tell them face to face. You can do it today and tomorrow and make a commitment to tell at least one person each day what you cherish about them

Tell someone why you love them. Today.

Happy New Year

janet@makingheadway.ca (Janet Martin) — Sun, 03 Jan 2021 18:24:22 GMT

Make it a feast of lightness

Recently did exercise on setting intentions for 2021. Two of the words I wrote down were feast and lightness. On the surface and with these words seem incongruous. They also seem like strange words for the first half of 2021 when our lives are likely to still be restricted by lockdowns with lots restrictions on what we can do, where we can go and above all who we can be with.

But as I thought about these words and why I had written them, I realized that my intention was to feast on whatever joy, whatever gladness, whenever togetherness I could create this year in whatever way I can create it.

At this point in the pandemic it’s easy to get sucked in to the heaviness of it the restrictions--of it the things we don’t have and the things we can’t do. And there are many of those: I can’t be with most of my family, I can’t go to Costa Rica, I can’t teach in-person, I can’t even get my hair cut.

However there are lots of ways that I can reach out and that I can feast on lightness. I can take joy in the longer days, I can reach out more, I can share more, I can love more, I can play more, I can get outside more, I can read more, I can laugh more, I can enjoy the snow, I can enjoy my house. I the list is long. As I sit here with a smile on my face, I am reaffirming my intention to make 2021 a feast full of lightness and joy.

May this New Year bring you much joy and may you make the most of its promise and opportunity.

Christmas 2020

janet@makingheadway.ca (Janet Martin) — Sun, 20 Dec 2020 18:30:00 GMT

Christmas reflections

As Christmas 2020 roars towards us, I find myself in the usual last minute rush to finish my Christmas shopping. I love Christmas shopping—trying to find something lovely and meaningful for each of the people I care about is a joy for me. I am grateful I have the means to be generous. I am grateful for the two new lives that have entered our family this year and mindful of those who have left us. It has been a year of great joy and great sadness.

I find myself very reflective of this time of year. In a year filled with more or physical distance from the ones I love and care about, I have found great strength my mindfulness practice and teaching. Teaching has given my day’s structure and joy and allowed me to feel that I was being of service to others. It’s been a major contributor to my sanity in this crazy year. My personal practice has helped me navigate the ups and downs of 2020. It helped me deal with the difficult isolation and aloneness that made the sad times worse. But more importantly, it helped me recognize and rest good things that have come this year.

I know that 2020 would have been much more difficult without my mindfulness practice. I am deeply grateful to all of my teachers, starting with Maria Gonzalez, who launched me down this road over a dozen years ago. I came to mindfulness with no real objective other than a little stress relief. But mindfulness has been the gift that keeps on giving. I simply would not be who I am today without mindfulness. I am happier, healthier, and better able to weather whatever life throws at me, including a COVID year, than I would have been without it.

Wishing you all a happy mindful holiday season.

Links in a chain

janet@makingheadway.ca (Janet Martin) — Tue, 03 Nov 2020 22:14:07 GMT

Gratitude and compassion working together

I was recently asked about feeling gratitude when practicing compassion meditation. The simple answer is that compassion and gratitude are linked--as are other positive emotions such as kindness, generosity, forgiveness, love, joy etc.

I often refer to gratitude as a gateway drug to the other positive feelings but the door swings both ways. Wanting the best for ourselves and others (compassion) opens a door to a positive space, it makes us act more kindly towards ourselves and others. That in turn, lets us see the good in our lives (gratitude).

The easiest way to build gratitude is to make it a continuous process--be grateful for the everyday moments--not just the big stuff. Even on the lousiest days there is something to be grateful for--hot water for a shower, a cup of tea, clean clothes, food....

One fun way to increase gratitude is during a walk (with the dog, from the car to the store, from the bedroom to the kitchen—any walk will do) --look around you and everything that makes you smile be grateful for it. If it’s a walk with the dog be grateful for: the leash on the dog, the dog's excitement at getting outside, the fallen leaves, the chill in the air, your warm sweater etc... You can also try it as you prepare a meal-- be grateful for the knife to cut the vegetables, be grateful to the farmer who grew them, be grateful for the stove that will cook them, be grateful for your cooking skill etc. Turn everyday tasks into opportunities for gratitude. Over time it becomes a way of life.

When we are grateful as a way of being we become more open to other positive attributes--they seem to arise spontaneously. We are happier and we appreciate it (gratitude) and then we want the same for others (compassion), We start acting with more kindness, generosity, forgiveness, love etc. We see others as suffering and not as being difficult, mean, annoying, competitive, negative etc. That changes our approach to them (the beginning of wisdom--compassion's twin) and that in turn changes our interactions with them.

Doing any meditation practice that focusses on positive emotions—gratitude, joy, forgiveness, compassion opens us to the others. So just pick the one(s) you like—they all lead to being a kinder and more generous human being.

The Covid blahs

janet@makingheadway.ca (Janet Martin) — Tue, 08 Sep 2020 21:36:21 GMT

Many of us are feeling a little or a lot of sadness now

Labour Day usually feels like the start of something new. There is usually a feeling of change in the air.

But as the pandemic staggers on with no return to normal in sight, many of us are feeling a sense of malaise and we are all grieving in some way. Our sense of hopeful change is gone—we feel the fall will be more of the same or worse contain a second wave. There is a kind of blah-ness and sadness that sets in with this. We may not even acknowledge that it is occurring, but it is attacking our underlying sense of happiness. We are grumpier, having strange dreams, more impatient with each other, and in general fed up and afraid.

All of the three underlying pillars of happiness—connection, meaning, and gratitude—and our sense of safety have been shaken.

Our relationships to others have been curtailed by this disease. I am missing big family gatherings, friends, casual conversations, hugging, shaking hands, in-person teaching, dining with friends, shared jokes around the bridge table and unmasked facial expressions. I am missing the all the things that keep me connected to others. I am afraid that it is starting to feel normal.

Our connections to the things that give us meaning in our lives are disrupted. For most people meaning comes from a mixture of family, work, volunteering, championing causes, worship and spiritual practices. Every one of these has been affected by this disease—often in the way we get to experience them or by putting them on hold or eliminating the possibility of accessing them for the time being.

Everything is just a little or a lot harder and we are more fearful. Shopping means ordering online or planning a careful trip to the store with a mask and trying to social distance. It means getting annoyed with people who don’t follow the rules. We don’t just run out and get something anymore. We don’t jump on a bus or order an Uber with the same sense of security and safety. We are worried about a second wave this fall and worried about school starting up.

We can’t really plan. Weddings, trips, celebrations have been cancelled or deferred. For those for things we have booked or deferred to next year, we truly have no idea if any of it will happen.

All of this leads to more difficulty in being grateful. At some level we resent what has been taken from us. We have more restricted lives and experiences so we may find it harder to be grateful for what is still available.

While we need to accept what we are feeling now and acknowledge it, we need to do the things that ease it.

I think gratitude is the start of getting back our happiness. When we refresh our feelings of gratitude even in this restricted time, it gives us back some peace and security. We start to remember there is still a lot of good, of wonder, of joy to be experienced moment by moment.

With this sense of gratitude refreshed, we can look at the other elements of happiness and make positive changes there too. We can make a plan to reactivating whatever ties to others that we can. If we were good at keeping in touch with our friends in March but have been lax lately, we can start making those calls again. We can find other ways to connect.

We can figure out how to build new ways to experience what is meaningful for us or maybe find a new cause to fire us up—there are lots of things that can be better. Each of us can play a role in making that happen.

We can let the sadness seep out and the happiness come back in!

Ordinary Joy

janet@makingheadway.ca (Janet Martin) — Wed, 19 Aug 2020 20:52:16 GMT

Finding joy in our everyday lives

We are often all too aware of the ups and downs of our lives. Yet our lives are mostly filled with ordinary things—ordinary experiences. The mundane—doing laundry, getting things done, cooking supper, washing our hair, watching TV. That is where most of life happens. In the ordinary, between the spikes of joy and sorrow. That is where we need to be awake and aware and take our joy.

I chose to write this blog entry (an ordinary activity for me) in the backyard. That way I can enjoy the sound of the waterfall, the breeze in the trees, the little cacti on my table and the birds in the trees. I can take joy not only in getting my thoughts “on paper” but in my surroundings. I can have this ordinary joy.

As my practice has grown, this ordinary joy is there for me more and more of the time. I am fascinated with the everyday moments of my life and I find they are extraordinary. I am full of wonder at this gift of awareness, of life, of choice.

Sylvia Bornstein says “This has never happened before, I’d better pay attention!” and Thich Nhat Hahn says “This is it”. This moment is where our lives are happening now. We need to be fully present, in awe of everything in this moment and enjoying it. It won’t come around again—we only live each moment once. If we miss it—it’s gone.

So we need to spend some time taking joy in the ordinary. Enjoying the gentle flow of our lives. Making choices in how to spend each moment. Seeing the magnificence in the mundane.

What is your North Star?

janet@makingheadway.ca (Janet Martin) — Thu, 25 Jun 2020 16:28:53 GMT

What do you steer your life by?

On a retreat one of my teachers asked what our north star was. What did we steer our life by? At the time I didn’t have a succinct answer. Lately I realized I had answered it years ago.

I vividly remember being asked by a very senior banker what I wanted to be on the cover of a magazine for. I replied I didn’t want to be on the cover of a magazine—an answer he found unacceptable. He kept pushing me to answer what I wanted to be known for. I finally said I wanted to be remembered as a great aunt. His response was scathing, dismissive and offensive. I still marvel at his arrogance.

But in a nutshell, it’s what I strive for personally and professionally. To make things better. To be kind and caring and supportive and wise. To be reliable. To be a rock in the stream. For me being of service is what gives me meaning—being helpful, supportive, knowledgeable, accessible and loving. That’s my meaning. My north star.

I was more successful in my career than I ever expected to be. But it was never the titles and the power that drove me—it was always that I could do more to make things better for customers and employees. The desire to make it better for the people I served.

In my personal life, the goal has been the same. To make things better, easier, simpler, and more fun for those I love. Sometimes I get it right and sometimes I fail spectacularly. But it’s my north star.

What is your north star? Find it, name it, and claim it. Do not let anyone tell you it’s not the right star. It’s yours. It’s perfect.

Every action counts

janet@makingheadway.ca (Janet Martin) — Mon, 15 Jun 2020 19:07:52 GMT

Each action is a product of the past and the author of the future

This moment is a result of thousands and thousands of things that have happen before. They bring this unique moment into being. Many of those things are beyond our control. That is true of this pandemic, the current state of racial injustice, climate change, family tensions and our personal health and well being. All of them are the result of thousands of events, actions, intentions that preceded them.

This awareness can give us a true acceptance of the current moment, but it also demands that we be very aware that today’s decisions will affect tomorrow.

Maybe your tomorrow; maybe someone else’s tomorrow.

The decisions your parents, grandparents, great-grandparents made that affect you today. The effects are not limited to your genetics but also the family, country, religion, socio-economic situation you were born into.

Our actions continue into the future and their effects are most often unknown. Look at your life and the 3 most important decisions you have made. For some, you could see the likely results. For some you simply couldn’t see that they would change your life or someone else’s life. I knew when I went to university, I was making a decision that would save me; but when I signed up for an 8 week mindfulness course I had no idea it would change me and my life.

Think of the times people have thanked you for making a difference for them by saying or doing something caring or wise. Think of the times that your errant act or a careless word had long-term consequences. Often we didn’t think these little actions were important. But every action and inaction is important. It all counts

We must each set an overreaching intention to do well. To be an active agent of compassion and wisdom. To be passionately committed to making our corner of the world better. To make sure that our every action tilts the world towards the good. That means we need to make a real effort moment by moment, action by action to incorporate helpful actions, wise speech and caring into everything we do.

It's time

janet@makingheadway.ca (Janet Martin) — Sun, 14 Jun 2020 19:34:08 GMT

--for real change

When I looked ahead to what the pandemic would change I talked about being more environmentally aware as I saw skies clear and canals turn blue again. I talked about how working from home. I talked about the death of the handshake. I talked about it changing my spending habits. I talked about hoping it finally changed how we care for seniors.

But I did not foresee a widespread awakening to systemic racial bias. But awakening we are. It is long overdue. Why now? I can postulate that we have more time to process and think about it because of the pandemic. I can postulate that it’s because the pandemic helps us see that we are all in this together. I can postulate it is a reaction to the long-standing lack of response from the corridors of power. But everything is the sum of thousands of preceding events largely beyond our control, so I doubt we will ever know for sure.

Perhaps it’s simply time-past time actually. I can tell you that my heart has been and is, heavy. I can tell you the nature of the discussions I have had are deeper, more thoughtful and more prevalent than I have experienced before. I can tell you that I am trying to understand the role I have played and am playing in perpetuating systemic racial bias. I can tell you I see others doing the same thing with real sincerity.

I can tell you I have hope. I hope this changes our institutions and our psyches. I hope we radically reform policing and our criminal justice systems. I hope we start to really care about economic reform and access to education and power. We have the road maps—they are there in the output from various inquiries and studies on racial injustice, policing, and economic reform. Let’s implement real, meaningful, lasting change now.

It is time.

Forgiveness

janet@makingheadway.ca (Janet Martin) — Wed, 20 May 2020 22:34:37 GMT

It's hard to forgive, but without it there is no peace

It is hard to forgive—to let go of the weight of the pain we carry. It is hard to forgive ourselves for the harm we have caused others. It is especially hard to forgive the harm we have caused to ourselves. It is hard to forgive others for how they hurt us.

But we need to forgive. Not forgiving closes our hearts. It keeps us angry, resentful and defensive. It closes us to seeing a better future. It makes us less compassionate, less loving and less wise.

But there are lots of misconceptions about forgiveness.

The first misunderstanding is that in forgiving we are saying what happened is OK. Or that we need to forget. It has nothing to do with that—in fact what happened is almost always not OK (if it was OK we would not need to forgive) and in most cases we would be wise to remember. It is about letting go of our anger, our hurt, our sorrow, and our grief because we don’t want to carry that pain anymore.

The second fallacy is that we are letting people off the hook—we are not. We all need to take accountability for our actions. We need to make recompense where necessary, say we are sorry where safe and appropriate, and accept the emotional, physical and relationship costs of our actions—and so do others.

The third delusion is that you can forgive while you continue the misbehavior or let someone else’s harmful behavior continue towards you. How do you forgive yourself the damage that misusing yourself physically or emotionally or spiritually has done, if you are not prepared to take the hard steps needed to fix the issue(s). Unless you sincerely attempt to stop your own detrimental behavior you cannot truly forgive yourself. You are just kidding yourself. Unless you set healthy boundaries to stop another from hurting you, you cannot forgive them. Letting the behavior continue is self-harm. We need to take care not to be complicit in someone else’s detrimental behaviour. You can forgive and still say I won’t let you hurt me again. You can offer help and support as appropriate and still say with love, you can’t be in my life while this behavior continues. Remember everyone one of us can change, at any time, even if it seems unlikely now.

I have had a lot to forgive in my life. Forgiving others took a lot of effort, reflection and determination. Forgiving myself, is an ongoing process, and it is much harder. But with each act of forgiveness, I am more whole.

So, to anyone I have harmed—please forgive me. To those who have hurt me—I forgive you. And to myself--I forgive myself for all of it.

I am doing surprisingly OK.

janet@makingheadway.ca (Janet Martin) — Tue, 19 May 2020 20:08:23 GMT

But I long for a hug.

I am doing surprisingly OK.

Today I will be have been home from Costa Rica for almost ten weeks. I was looking forward to meeting my new grandnephew, seeing the rest of my family, reconnecting with friends, getting a haircut, shopping etc. Two days later I was self-isolating (someone on my plane back to Canada tested positive).

Like about 25% of Canadians I live alone. For us social distancing means literally no human contact, for months until this thing is contained. I know we all face difficult and unique challenges as we weather this storm, but those of us who live alone face some unique issues. We don’t have to worry about amusing or teaching children, or about how to a find quiet space so we can work, or about what to do when someone we love gets on our nerves in close quarters—but we do have to deal with the aloneness and the total lack of human contact. We have to face the day to day challenges and fears without a hug; without another sane voice in the room to tell us we do not need to disinfect the pizza box; without someone to wipe our tears when the sadness or fear comes. We have gotten used to being on our own and to dealing with things on our own –but this is different--deeply different.

I have seen my nieces from a safe distance a very few times. We chatted outside for few minutes. It was amazing to talk to someone in person. I got to see my beautiful grandnephew, and my pregnant niece albeit from afar. We have also started weekly family Zoom meetings. My weekly sitting group is online now as are the classes I teach. These fed my soul.

I am believe my years of practice, experience with silent retreats, teaching meditation and these limited contacts have kept me sane. It has tamed my naturally restless nature and lets this extrovert survive this time alone. But I long for a real hug.

There is no them---

janet@makingheadway.ca (Janet Martin) — Tue, 19 May 2020 19:49:33 GMT

--we are all the same and all wonderfully different

I see a tragic escalation of us and them thinking in the world today. We need to acknowledge we are all part of the same humanity—that we are all the same and all wonderfully different at the same time. We are all connected.

Our current passion for labeling everyone and everything about them, sometimes puts the focus on differences rather than our shared humanity. Labels can be validating and useful, but they can also be divisive and limiting. If I label myself as a senior with severe arthritis in my knees my view, and how others see me, shrinks. When I don’t label myself (while not denying or avoiding my age or health issue)—anything and everything is still possible. Even labels I see as validating—feminist, liberal, smart, strong are seen as negative by some.

When I label another as “them”, its often because I don’t approve of “them” in some way—their actions, words or viewpoints and I close myself off in order protect/justify myself. I don’t see the room for discussion and compromise. When I see my connection to another as part of this wonderful mixed-up humanity I am part of--I can see their pain, I can take the time to listen, I can consider their perspective. Only then do I have a chance to respond with wisdom and compassion—the two things that heal.

Until we all see that we are all connected and that we all win or lose together, we will never heal the world. Until we know that only love and understanding and caring and connection heal—we will forever be in pain.

If you want to read something by someone much more eloquent than I am on this subject read anything by Alan Watts.

Living life with full tank

janet@makingheadway.ca (Janet Martin) — Thu, 07 May 2020 20:22:07 GMT

Knowing you are enough already.

Developing the sense of being/having enough already is living life with a full tank.

When you feel “enough already” you know that if this is all there will ever be -- it is enough. That doesn’t mean you won’t get better or move forward, it just means you do it from a sense of having enough already. This takes away the craving and the desperation. It lets you make choices from a place of feeling resourced; feeling you are taking the journey with a full tank. Moving forward without feeling you are trying to fill yourself up—feeling full already.

Someone recently said to me, she always used the practice to get through difficulties, but now sees it’s better to fill up first and then weather the difficulties. Author/teacher Rick Hanson calls this being resourced; I call it keeping your tank full. When your tank is full you are always ready for the trip (even an unexpected one), you don't run out of gas along the way. When you feel like you have a hole inside that needs to be filled—you don’t have enough gas for the trip.

So what if your tank is feeling less than full? It’s a time to fill up with self-compassion—to love yourself, to hold yourself with love, kindness, and forgiveness. To self-soothe, allowing yourself to be perfectly imperfect. To know that it’s enough to be just as you are. To know that if this is all there is-- it’s enough—in this moment and the next. That’s what gives you the strength to be more – to start the trip towards healing, growing, and getting stronger.

Don't know mind

Mon, 04 May 2020 15:54:30 GMT

One breath and then another

Don’t know mind is really helpful right now. I have found myself engaged in several conversations about the future. They can be fun as long as I remember they are just for fun. I don’t know.

These last few weeks have plunged us all into unexpected and unpredictable times. And they continue to be so.

We have no idea what the next weeks and months have in store for us. We just know our lives will be affected by COVID19 for some time to come.

What we forget is that we never knew what was going to happen—we just thought we did. We were always a breath away from the unexpected—good and bad. This crisis is just a mass experience of that.

So we do what we have always done—set our best intentions and let them guide our actions moment by moment—whatever life presents us with. One breath, and then another. I am ok with that.

My COVID Retreat?

Wed, 29 Apr 2020 18:53:16 GMT

Sometimes it feels like I am on a long retreat.

I have been on many 7-10 day silent retreats—too many to accurately count. Retreat environments are designed to be as simple as possible and to minimize the decisions you need to make. There is lots routine, repetition, silence and time for reflection.

My environment is a constant—my home and walks in areas I have walked many times before. The decisions I make daily are limited to what to eat or drink, what household chore to do and what diversion should I indulge in to hold the boredom at bay. My days have lots of routine—daily and weekly teaching and lesson preparation, lots of meditation (all the giants in the meditation world are offering pandemic teachings –usually free), a weekly grocery shop (now with a mask) and lots of silence (some days I only speak while leading a short meditation) and much time for reflection.

As I do on retreats, I miss my family and friends and my normal routine. But I am deeply grateful for the sense of familiarity that I have had for these few weeks. Without all the previous weeks on retreat I am not sure I would be managing as well as I am.

I am also deeply grateful for years of learning and contemplating mindfulness themes like impermanence, don’t know mind, living in the present moment, letting go of outcomes, loving-kindness and self-compassion among others

From time to time I have toyed with the idea of a long retreat—maybe 3 months. As I approach the end of week 7 of staying home, I am thinking I may get my wish!

Stop bouncing and try rolling

Fri, 27 Mar 2020 16:50:48 GMT

Rolling lets you enjoy life more

Do you bounce or roll through life? I think this current crisis (as well life in general) are harder for people who bounce. Those people that constantly seem to be worried or excited or distressed or concerned or anxious or elated—they bounce from one worry to the next—they are up; they are down but find resting in the middle uncomfortable—they just don’t see to be able to roll with life.

I used to bounce. I was an adrenalin junkie—always indignant about something or someone, always ready to point out why and how things were going off the rails or how someone was rude, selfish, dumb or simply incompetent. My favourite expression was “that makes me crazy”. I loved to gossip and to criticize others. It seemed to me I was surrounded by incompetence and stupidity and no small measure of selfishness on the part of others. I was bouncing from one hurt and injustice to another. Life was a challenge and I was constantly feeling like I came up short in all the roles I played (both personally and professionally). The bounce was indicative of not feeling good about myself and constantly trying to prove I was enough.

Meditation (years of it) has changed me and yes get older is part of it too. I no longer bounce all the time. I roll. I let life roll through me (at least most of the time). I know I am enough even when I fail. I know that I control very little. I know that I used to be like most people--really hurting a lot of the time and just wanting to feel better. I know that hurting makes people act in unwise and selfish ways.

I know when if I roll rather than bounce, I will really experience the joy of life and be able to handle the difficult parts. I know I only control my actions and my intentions but each action matters. I try and take care to make sure my actions are wise and are fueled by good intentions.

I don’t always get it right. I screw up a lot, but I still know I am enough. I am happier and calmer and really savour my life more because I stopped bouncing and started rolling. When you roll you are like a snowball gathering up the good and the joy and wrapping it around you with each movement forward. The bad just doesn’t stick—you roll over it and leave it behind.

This too shall pass

Wed, 25 Mar 2020 20:28:19 GMT

We will get through this.

A lot has been written on COVID19 and how to cope. I am not sure I can add anything really pithy to the discussion, but a lot of the themes I have talked about over the years are even more germane now—maybe all of them are. Here are some of the top ones to think about:

Impermanence—everything changes—who knew our world could turn upside down in a matter of days and weeks? I have taught about impermanence for years and I always emphasize everything change including unpleasant things. This crisis will end and life will get back to a new normal. Hopefully we will learn something from it.

Connectedness—if we ever needed a reminder that we are all connected and that our neighbour’s welfare is our welfare—this is a hell of a reminder. Hopefully when this passes, and it will, we will remember this lesson. We need to remember if one of us is hurting we all are. Right now connect with those you love, support businesses that may be struggling if you can (buy take out, order on-line etc.) and stay home. We need to beat this thing together.

Self-Care and Self-Compassion—these are not selfish. They are the least selfish thing we can do. For now self-care means distancing ourselves from others, practicing good hygiene, eating well, exercising (even if it is very different than our usual exercise practice), being kind to ourselves and taking care of our mental health. We can’t be there for others when they need us if we aren’t there for ourselves first.

Staying in the moment—we have never been here before. We don’t know what the future holds, except that this will pass—when and what happens in between now and then is yet to be seen. Stay in now—recognize that in this moment you are OK, recognize you are doing everything you can to support your own well-being and the well-being of others and resist the urge to wallow in constant news updates—even the experts don’t know everything and they get things wrong.

So stay safe, stay healthy and send some lovingkindness to others today.

I have been thinking about privilege

Mon, 17 Feb 2020 19:16:09 GMT

What is privilege and what does meditation have to do with it?

I have been thinking a lot about privilege lately and for me the role that meditation has played in my privileged life.

I know how hard I worked to be able to enjoy this life of privilege. But lots of people work just as hard and don’t get to enjoy what I experience. It is easy to just accept this wonderful life and not appreciate the gift and the wonder of it. I am trying to be truly, deeply, grateful for it all moment by moment.

Privilege is not just about the things I can indulge myself with—and they are legion—weeks in Costa Rica in the winter filled with friends, spa treatments, lying by the pool, personal trainers, wonderful food or when I return to Canada, the ability to redecorate my home, or buy a new car or add to the already ridiculous amount of clothes I have or to travel overseas to a cousins wedding etc.

For me privilege is having a large healthy, loving family on both sides of the Atlantic that I want to spend time with and who want to spend time with me. Privilege is having a wonderful group of friends who support me and who challenge me and keep me re-evaluating my beliefs and judgements. Privilege is being able to teach meditation in my retirement -- something I find meaningful and that helps others.

I would have a lot of the privileged “things” without meditation (I worked very hard and had a very financially rewarding career) but I do not believe I would be appreciating them or that my relationships today would be as strong as they currently are without meditation. I know for sure I would not be as happy as I am today.

Meditation has not always been fun for me—in fact it has been damned difficult and unpleasant at times as I let go of a huge pile of very deep and negative emotional baggage. It took time and courage to look at those parts of myself and to change them, but it was worth it. I am still a work in progress—I get down or feel lonely or feel angry or just plain bummed and unappreciated at times. I can still be judgemental and dismissive--but it doesn’t happen as often and I am much more aware when it happens and I don’t stay there as long.

Meditation also teaches me that all this can change in a moment—so today I will hug my friends, sit in the sun and rejoice in the moment.

Letting go--it's hard!

Wed, 05 Feb 2020 17:11:57 GMT

I am still a work in progress!

Letting go—I think it's the hardest thing we do

I teach a lot about letting go—why it’s important, how to do it, what it feels like, how it is a process etc. And yet it is still the hardest thing I do personally--every day. I know how much I have already let go of and I wonder when will this letting go end?

Right now my mind is trying to beat me up over an innocent comment I made yesterday that someone might (or might not) have found insensitive. I want to let go of that. I am also trying to let go of an old hurt from grade 8 (remember I am now 68—so that is a long time ago). I am trying to let go of that too. I am trying to let go of being frustrated with my knees (the arthritis is a constant) and wishing I could play golf. And a myriad of moment to moment flashes of regret or pain.

Letting go is an ongoing lifelong process—there is yet another deep layer to let go of and a surface layer and all the stuff in between. Working with those deep layers is one of my current focuses in meditation. It is also my meditation in action focus at the moment—letting go moment by moment of all the petty little things that could annoy, anger, distress, or bewilder me. Letting go of my reactive, judgemental self—what a job! Still a work in progress—but there is progress.

Knowing How our brains work doesn't answer Why

janet@makingheadway.ca (Janet Martin) — Fri, 04 Oct 2019 17:09:40 GMT

Back from retreat

I am just back from spending 10 days at a silent retreat high in the Colorado mountains—it was magical. It really is “big sky” territory day and night. The stars are bright and clear. Deer walked by unbothered. It is a glorious place! I was so awestruck—I had to look up the words to the song Rocky Mountain High.

The retreat focused on the connection between neuroscience and Buddhism. I learned a lot about how the brain works and how the various meditation techniques reduce stress, make us happier, healthier and better people. But the thing that struck me the most is that—even after decades of research and practice—there is still the mystery of why. Each of the 4 teachers, in their own way, expressed the wonder of resting with the unknown, the universe, the source, the divine (or whatever you choose to call it). Each stressed the need to be open to what we cannot know—to meet each moment with beginners mind and a sense of wonder.

We know a great deal about how this body that houses us works, but we each have to answer for ourselves why we are here. And of course, answer the question of who and what we truly are. Those are the mysteries humans have been trying to answer for millennia. I continue to rest in the mystery.

why meditate?

janet@makingheadway.ca (Janet Martin) — Thu, 19 Sep 2019 19:42:38 GMT

Here is a great answer to the question "why meditate?"

While I don’t teach from a Buddhist point of view, mindfulness does have its origins there. I found this great couple of paragraphs on why we meditate in Tricycle’s Buddhism for Beginners series (the link is below)

“What Buddhist meditation techniques have in common is their purpose: to help us remain focused and alert; recognize and relate to our experiences with equanimity and serenity; and, ultimately, to become enlightened. Along the way, we learn to put ourselves in others’ shoes and distance ourselves from unhelpful emotional reactions. This has a positive impact on our relationships and our own well-being: we find that meditation helps us encounter life with an open and confident heart.

Outer circumstances are always changing. By reinforcing our ability to work with the present moment and giving us space to explore our minds, meditation engenders qualities of balance, empathy, and happiness that are less and less dependent on causes and conditions beyond our control. We gain insights into the nature of mind and reality and learn to put these insights to good use on the path to freedom.”

Here is the link to the series Buddhism for Beginners

Attachment

Wed, 04 Sep 2019 15:25:05 GMT

Dealing with my attachment to summer

This week is a lesson attachment for me—I am very attached to summer and a little distressed that it is over. The universe seems intent on making me realize fall is here—the pool people are asking when I want the pool closed, my inbox is full of the fall offerings from seemingly everyone. Yet I a clinging to summer. It’s not that I don’t like fall –I do. I love the colours, I love that I am teaching again, I love that I will soon be on retreat and more. It’s just that I am clinging to summer.

No matter how much we remind ourselves to let go and love impermanence, our nature is to cling and be attached to things as they are. The first step of letting go is to recognize the attachment (done), the second is to accept it (acceptance takes time and I am still here) and the third is to move on (not quite there yet).

So for me this feeling is a reminder that attachment comes in many forms. It’s a reminder to accept that I am a little sad that summer is over, that I am sad that what has been a great summer has come to an end. A reminder to be grateful for all the wonderful family moments we have had this summer and get to the point where I am not stuck with the sadness that those moments won’t come again—lots of new ones will--but not those. That may take a day or two but when I am ready, I will get out warmer clothes, to turn off the air conditioning, to book the pool closing, and take joy in that first red leaf on the vine in the backyard.

Control?

Thu, 29 Aug 2019 15:38:10 GMT

We control very little and yet....

Control is a funny thing—we keep thinking that we have control over what happens and life keeps letting us know that we have very little. I have spent a great deal of my life trying to control things. As a result I spent a lot of time being frustrated when things didn’t go the way I wanted or when people made choices I thought were foolish or just plain dumb (my value judgement—clearly not theirs!)

Mindfulness has taught me I control very little—plans change, things happen, people change their minds, and something I think was decided becomes undecided. The last couple of days have been particularly marked by things outside my control—several people’s plans for this weekend have had to change, a professional matter that I thought was resolved has taken a lot of time and thought, the weather is not as warm as I had hoped and I am not sure how many people I am cooking for on the various nights this weekend etc.

And yet I am calm and relaxed. That is not to say I didn’t have a moment or two where I needed to sit with my feelings, but I am ok and happy. That is the gift of knowing that I only control me—not always perfectly but much better than in the past. I am in charge of my intentions and my actions. That is all. The rest is out of my control.

I can be flexible and enjoy the ride or I can rail against things I can’t do anything about. I intend to enjoy!

How to be Resilient

Wed, 12 Jun 2019 15:02:10 GMT

My Top 10 ways to build resilience

Resilience is a key trait we all need to get through life. No one has it easy all the time and we need to be able to bounce back from pain or adversity—or ideally stay standing no matter what life throws our way. One of my favourite quotes on resiliency if form the indomitable Sylvia Bornstein “The mind is tofu, it tastes like whatever you marinate it in.” Basically how you respond to an issue—is the issue. I recently put together my “Top 10” list of how to gain resiliency based on what the research is currently showing and on experience. Here it is:

Resilience Top 10

1. Get your priorities straight—self, partner, children, friends and family, then job

2. Take care of yourself exercise, diet, sleep

3. Manage your energy not your time—learn to say no

4. Practice kindness, compassion and gratitude – resilience is a direct outcome

5. Turn the stress response off—learn and use at least one simple technique

6. Focus on the issue in front of you—not what happened before or what might happen in the future

7. Focus on inputs—you don’t control outcomes

8. Notice the positive---savour it and then remember 2X in the next hour

9. Be happy--focus on gratitude, connection to others, and meaning in your life

10. Acknowledge when you are upset—accept it is difficult, scary or painful. Accept it is happening. Accept yourself in this moment and be kind to yourself.

Wisdom

Sun, 05 May 2019 20:11:05 GMT

The world needs more wise men and women now

The world could use more wise men and women right now. While wisdom and compassion working together are at the heart of mindfulness practice, are we really getting wiser?

Recently I listened to a neuroscientist talk about wisdom. He maintains that our definition of wisdom has not chanted in a couple of centuries. He also maintains that we are more likely to get wiser as we age—even postulates it is why humans live so long—we are supposed to impart wisdom to the younger generations. He lists 6 essential components of wisdom: self-reflection, pro-social behaviour (kindness, compassion, empathy), emotional regulation with positivity bias, decisiveness amid uncertainty and diversity, social decision making, and spirituality

I breathed a sigh of relief when I saw that I teach and practice all 6 of these components although, I need to teach decisiveness a little more often! Also I am getting older—so that should also help.

The good news is that we can develop each of these qualities through mindfulness. None of them are beyond the reach of anyone! Here’s to us all becoming wiser!

Birthdays make me wonder how I got here!

Tue, 16 Apr 2019 21:43:07 GMT

I think birthdays always make me introspective. As I sit and think about all I have in my life—family, friends, security, teaching, health, happiness—I feel deeply grateful.

I don’t think there was any way for the little girl who grew up on a small farm within a family with its full share of difficulties to see forward to this place of contentment. I couldn’t see it even a few years ago when I decided to stop working full time – I’d had a great career in business although it was a times stressful, uncertain and downright awful as well as rewarding, satisfying and exhilarating—but I’d had enough. I had no idea what I was going to do—and certainly wasn’t planning on teaching mindfulness as my main occupation. Yet teaching mindfulness has been and continues to be a great gift in my life. I am here but there was no way to predict it.

I think life is always like that—you simply can’t see what is ahead of you. My future is still a mystery and I love that. Sylvia Boorstein says that life alternates between wow and phooey! The trick is to focus on the wow and know that the phooey is passing. Right now there is a lot of wow in my life and I am going to savor it as fully as I can. I have no idea what the future hold for me but I can't wait to find out--no doubt there are still a few of surprises waiting around the corner.

Here is a link to a great First Person article along the same vein.

Laugh!

Sun, 24 Mar 2019 00:00:00 GMT

Laughter – we are born with the ability to laugh. My 3 month old grand-nephew laughs - it’s a full body laugh. My grandniece who is 13 months still laughs this way. They laugh at being tickled, at a funny face, at a silly sound, at someone singing to them, at someone dancing with them - they laugh at almost everything. It is their first response to most things.

When do we lose that gift of laughter - when was the last time you had a full belly laugh? You know the one where you have tears in your eyes and you can’t stop laughing? When did we lose the instinct to laugh at life as a first response? When did our laughter become a second or third or rare response?

Let’s commit to laughing more - when thing don’t go exactly as we planned - lets laugh. Let’s laugh when someone sneaks into the parking spot we were waiting for, let’s laugh when the store is out of whatever we made a special trip to get, lets laugh when we forgot to buy milk or pick up the dry-cleaning. Let’s laugh at life’s little inconveniences. Let’s see the mirth in the situation not the annoyance. Let’s laugh whenever and wherever we can. Let’s reclaim our birthright of laughter.

Listening to the wind

Sun, 10 Mar 2019 00:00:00 GMT

As I listen to the wind against the windows, it is both the same and different to the wind in Costa Rica. This wind is strong but my windows are not howling - merely shaking. This wind is harsh and cold and not soft and warm. Yet there is a sameness to it. It brings me back to this moment. The wind has been blowing for eons and will blow for eons, and yet it is here right now.

The idea helps soothe the mental and physical discomfort of leaving the sun and coming back to the cold. It grounds me in both the present moment and the impermanence of the shock to my system to be back home after several weeks away in the sun.

It is easy to get lost in the busyness (and cold) of coming back and forget that, while I miss the sun and my friends in the south, I am glad to be home. I can see the snow melting in the last few days—the glacier at the end of the driveway is almost gone, bits and pieces of my backyard are emerging again. I am looking forward to holding my grand-niece and nephew again and seeing the rest of my family again. I am looking forward to teaching and to reconnecting with my life here. All good things.

Yet the wind reminds me this is all just a blip in time. This will pass. I will pass. It reminds me to make the most of every moment!

Swerving - moving towards your heart

Fri, 15 Feb 2019 00:00:00 GMT

Michele Obama uses the term swerving in a great positive sense in her book, Becoming . If you haven’t read it yet, I highly recommend it. It’s honest and insightful and a great read - regardless of your political viewpoint.

It got me thinking about my swerves in life - the times you move off in a different direction from the path you are on or supposed to be on. The times you move toward your heart and your true self. I have had a lot of swerves. And I am deeply, deeply grateful for them all - even if at the time the swerve was very difficult and people told me I was crazy!

When you follow your gut and your heart you rarely err - when you follow your head or someone else’s sense of what you should be doing you often end up unhappy and unfulfilled. I swerved off the path for a young born on a farm in the 50’s to university and the business world, I swerved into jobs that people thought I was nuts to take, I swerved out of business to teaching meditation when others thought I should take one more “big job”. All of these brought me a life filled with all sorts of satisfaction and reward (both financial and emotional).

So I am a big fan of the swerve - just follow your own heart!

Remembering Cathy

Wed, 19 Dec 2018 00:00:00 GMT

We just lost a family member to alcoholism. I think one of the hardest things to accept is to see people we care about making decisions that we know are unwise and will result in further pain. It is difficult to respect the fact that they have the right to make the decisions about how to live their lives even if we can't condone or approve or support them. That is what free will is all about.

For me, when I can see that these errant decisions/choices are coming from some sort of pain (some unfulfilled need) and they think whatever they are doing will make them feel better (if only for a little while) and that this is the best decision they can make (not the best decision we can make). If I can see that if they could make a better choice -- they would--no one ever tried to make a bad decision. They just can't see the way to make a better choice or even that a better choice is available, when I acknowledge that, then I can have some sympathy. That does not mean I enable or support their choice, I just see it differently.

There are two things I use to help me when my family or friends do things that I think are unwise. The first is to recite this to myself:

I love you
I want you to be happy
But I cannot make your decisions for you
I will respect your right to make your own decisions

The other thing I think is that people can choose a different path at any time--and that it is never too late to get it right--It helps me treat them differently--if I think they are a lost cause then I tend to be dismissive or perhaps worse, I leap in with solutions and try to "fix" them often in the process infantising them and making them feel inadequate--all in the guise of being helpful (but really it is just a chance to feel superior). But if I have the faith they can and they may change, I treat them as adults and with respect. Let’s have faith that anyone and everyone can change

Here is a poem I love about that kind of faith:

"We have endless confidence in you,
regardless of what happened yesterday and the day before that.
That’s what endless means.
You'll get there. Maybe today."

Unfortunately, sometimes they run out of time as happened in this case.

Love Wins

Mon, 19 Nov 2018 00:00:00 GMT

I am distressed by the overt hate we are seeing in the world--but I believe we are also seeing huge movement in the other direction. Love just doesn't make the same headlines.

I am encouraged by many things. My immediate family has always been open and accepting--we were raised us to value a person's actions and ethics and to be tolerant of peoples foibles and failings. We were taught to see the person and not the race or religion. But in the community, I grew up in and in my extended family it was another story--but I see how radically that has changed today--even among my Trump loving American relatives and others who once thought "different" was a problem.

I also see how mindfulness is spreading--it encourages us to respond and not react--it teaches us to examine our thoughts and fears-and it teaches us that we are all one.--Its global spread is unstoppable now--we have passed the tipping point.

There is much to take solace in.

I think that all change causes disruption and anger often spills out into violence--but I have a deep faith that love will win in the end. I think we are at an inflection point as a species and that we will have to change to survive and that only love can fix what is wrong. I also think that love is sustainable and hate is not. Hate burns out the the hater --it needs continuous feeding and stoking and in the end it burns its creator and runs out of fuel. It can not last. Love lasts forever and nourishes everything it touches--it will win.

Loneliness

janet@makingheadway.ca (Janet Martin) — Fri, 21 Sep 2018 16:19:54 GMT

Loneliness is one is a major cause of unhappiness and it has a negative effect on our health. I think most of us experience loneliness at some point in our lives. It can be debilitating but it doesn’t have to be permanent. We can do something with it and about it.

Connection to others is a key under-pinning to happiness - we are made for connection. I found this great article on Happify the other day on how to deal with loneliness.

One thing they did not emphasis was how to get out and make new connections. The impermanence of life means - sometimes people we are close to move, die, get too busy or simply develop new interests we don't share - so we have to continuously work on building new connections. Here is another article from Happify on how to make new friends as an adult.

Happiness is in this moment!

janet@makingheadway.ca (Janet Martin) — Sun, 09 Sep 2018 16:28:24 GMT

I have been able to spend time with my grandniece this summer and it has been an excellent reminder that happiness is all around us all the time. She is happy about the noise a bag makes when you crinkle it, she is happy when we sing to her (no small feat - since no one in my family can carry a tune), she is happy to be held, she is happy to crawl around, she is happy to splash in the pool, she is happy to watch the breeze in the trees... she is just happy!

She is has reminded me to take joy in all the small things that happen every day. She laughs out loud at lots of things - and I find myself laughing out loud more these days. This morning I spilled water all over myself and the kitchen - trust me the picture on this blog entry does not do justice to the mess I made - and I just laughed out loud! It made it much easier to clean up the mess.

In fact, I laughed as I cleaned it up - and reminded myself that I had not been in the moment when I made the mess. Had I been fully present, it wouldn't have happened. My grandniece is just in the moment all the time - after all she is only a few months old - and she keeps us more anchored to the moment too. Just spending time with her has reminded me that joy is here - right now if I simply pay attention.

Life is in the moment - this moment. Joy is in the moment - this moment.

Am I dealing with now?

janet@makingheadway.ca (Janet Martin) — Mon, 27 Aug 2018 16:39:11 GMT

Always, never, again - combine these words with a pronoun and you can be sure you are not just dealing with whatever is happening now! 'This always happens to me!', 'I never get what I want', 'You never take my side', 'Here we go again' - all these phrases mean that I am either bringing the weight of the past or my fear of the future to whatever is happening now. I am not just dealing with what is happening now and my emotions are running high.

It takes real effort sometimes to deal with just the now - and I know that any conversation that incorporates again, never, always and a pronoun is not going to go well! These conversations are coloured by anger, blame, guilt and often shame.

I am not saying we don't have to deal with chronic problems - ust not in the heat of the moment.

One of my favourite examples is someone forgot to pick up the dry cleaning (or milk or a present, or make a reservation). Being in the present, I just deal with the fact that my favourite outfit is not available to wear tomorrow so I will have to wear something else. That is the present issue - I might be angry, frustrated, and panicked about what else to wear - but that is the current issue and there is a solution for that.

Sometime later, when my emotions are cooler, I can check to see if getting the dry cleaning into the house is a chronic issue or not (maybe it doesn't happen all the time, just during hectic or stressful times for the person who is supposed to remember to pick it up or maybe it's only an issue if I am nervous or stressed).

If it is an ongoing issue, then I can have a conversation about a better way to get the dry cleaning into the house - delivery? Someone else picking it up? Buying clothes that don't need to be dry cleaned? Creating a reminder? etc. There is a blame free, co-operative and maybe even creative solution.

Softer?

janet@makingheadway.ca (Janet Martin) — Wed, 23 May 2018 04:00:00 GMT

Am I softer?

Recently, someone told me that her husband said she was "softer" after her first long retreat, but not after others. It got me thinking - am I softer now?

I know I am a much different person today than the person who first sat in a meditation class a dozen years ago. I like this person better - she is less angry, more forgiving of herself and others, kinder and walks more lightly through life. My relationships are all better and I am the happiest I have ever been.

Over time I think all of us who follow this practice end up softer - kinder, gentler, more patient and loving. It seems to be inevitable that you soften - just not at will. We all purify our pain at different rates and gain insights at our own pace. No two people ever walk the exactly the same path - even though we gain strength because we all walk it together.

I have done probably 20 retreats and they have all been different. You do not get to pick what you work on or what the outcome is. I have had retreats where I knew that I had left some important emotional baggage behind and others where I was not sure I how I benefited other than the gift of silence and meditation with others.

That said - it wasn't always easy. Retreat is not a vacation and some sits are incredibly difficult - but for me it has all been worth it. I am deeply grateful for it all. I like the softer me.

Birthdays make me wonder how I got here!

It's Spring

I love spring. It’s a time of hope and renewal.

Try a balance mental diet

I'm on a low news diet

That makes me crazy

That was my catch-phrase

A new year

A new year--a new opportunity

Give the best gift.

The best gift you can give others is to look after yourself.

Can you find the good?

I don't like winter, but I love the way it looks

Showing grace in difficult times

This year has many losses

Gratitude is essential for happiness

Gratitude changes you for the better

Be present--right here; right now

Now is where life happens

You can't pour from an empty cup

Self care is the most important and unselfish thing you can do.

Spring busyness

It's a busy time of year and we need to focus on self-care

Under renovation

Living in impermanence with gratitude

Life is teamwork

Whenever we do anything with someone else, it's about teamwork

Pura Vida Culture

We can learn a lot from the culture in Costa Rica

Don't know mind

I used need to know

Relax and enjoy the holiday season

The only one asking you to be perfect is yourself!

Sparkle

Celebrate your uniqueness

We can all heal a little more

We owe it to ourselves and those we love

Make the most of Summer --or any season

Summer in Canada is special--its short and sweet--so enjoy it!

You can't avoid your demons

Either you deal with them or fight an unwinnable battle to avoid them

Aging is Impermanence in real time

I am getting older and everything is changing--and that's a good thing

Awe-- What takes your breath away?

Relish the everyday wonders!

Celebrate the small milestones

My milestones have become smaller, but not less important

We all need help now and then

Life always has bumps in the road!

I am not nervous

I am expecting the best!

Our friends help us live longer!

If you've let your connections lapse, summer is a great time to reconnect!

The best smiles in the world!

You are always greated by a smile here

Don't Mind the Gap

Progress is what counts

You are your ancestors' wildest dreams

This is really true for me ﻿

Back to Normal?? No Thanks!

We can only go forward.

Be Happy

Happiness is possible for all of us.

Quiet time

Why don't adults get a quiet time?

New Year's Resolutions

This year focus on what you can give, not what you want to get

Accepting Omicron

It's a time to focus on acceptance

Why is that a secret?

Most secrets do more harm than good.

Be urgently in now!

Have a childlike fierce attachment to now!

Happiness is our birthright

We all deserve to be happy--right now!

Happy Valentine's Day! Happy Family Day!

Tell someone what you love about them--Today!

Happy New Year

Make it a feast of lightness

Christmas 2020

This is really true for me